One is that, I do not feel like a very good person on the inside. I used to at some point I think. Or maybe I was and never really believed that I was but other people could see it. I don't know. Either way it left me feeling a little weakened in my spirits this morning. But it also gave me more conviction to try to be a better person.
I feel like I am starting to shed 30 years of negativity. Granted not all has been negative. I have a wonderful husband that I love more than anything in the world. He gave me a beautiful son that I would die for and I have a wonderfully loving and forgiving dog.
But there was definitely a lot more negative in my life than I thought. It is amazing to see all the little bricks from the walls that I built crumbling away. I can finally speak up and say when I am not happy about something and be okay with it. I do not have to be the people pleaser I was. If you are not happy with something I say then I guess that is not really my issue. If you are not happy with how I look, that is not my issue. Of course, I know that all of these things are a reflection of how I am to others as well and that is going to change. I need to relax. There is no need for me to be in control of anything. That is what the universe is for.
The only thing I care about is the happiness of my family. Sadly, the process and changes that are happening to me right now have caused hurt to others. For that I apologize. It is not fair to them. I even apologize to my dog.
I have been so focused on trying to change myself on the outside (Minus the dreads. I have wanted those forever because they are just so darn pretty and I want to wear sea glass in my hair.). Everything that I have been reading for years about changing the inside is coming true now. I always thought that I was a good person inside. I held doors for people, I smiled at them once in a while. I volunteered (which I do plan on doing again when the time is right. I went back too early.) with dogs at a rescue. I want to do those things again. But I want to really feel it. Do I tear up every time I see dogs on the E-List or that have been hurt by a human? Yes. Do I try to be a good person and give others a genuine smile? Yes. Do I really care about all of my friends and family? Yes. I love them all individually for all of those little things that make them tic. Do I wish that I could get out of my own way and do what makes me happy? Yes. Do I need to find my confidence again? Yes. Do I need to stop being so afraid of people? Yes. People scare me. I feel that I am always being judged (even though I am not. I hope). Feeling like that has made me bitter. Cynical. Unable to really trust. When I am with people in a large group I become very quiet. I am so afraid that I am going to say something stupid that I just don't say anything. It is very difficult for me. I chose not to go to concerts because of large crowds. The only group activity that I am not afraid of is going on cruiser rides. Everyone is having fun and riding. They are focused on not crashing into anything or anyone. No one is looking at me. I feel safe in that situation. The grocery store is the worst. Especially the area that we live in. There are a lot of snow birds in this area. Every time I go to Sprouts with Jack I get the most condescending looks from these ladies. It is pretty bad but we go anyway and we dance. If you are going to judge me I might as well look like a dork.
Does posting this in a few minutes scare the absolute shit out of me? Yes. YES it does. Am I going to post it anyway? Yes. I post everything above with a deep breath. I am slowly going to pour my heart out into this blog so you all can read what I can not say. Maybe someone is feeling the same way and it will bring them comfort. Maybe it will piss a few people off. Or maybe, just maybe my friends and family can see what I struggle with on a daily basis and see who I really am. If you do want to comment, please do so gently. I am a fragile creature right now and this is the only thing I ask. I will respond with even headedness, respect and an open heart if needed. Now it is time to get on my mat. It is time to open my heart again. It is time for me to balance.
Hope you all have a nice rest of your Tuesday. I hope you all go to bed with a smile on your face. It means the day wasn't so bad.
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