Insides

So, on our morning walk this morning I realized many things.

One is that, I do not feel like a very good person on the inside. I used to at some point I think. Or maybe I was and never really believed that I was but other people could see it. I don't know. Either way it left me feeling a little weakened in my spirits this morning. But it also gave me more conviction to try to be a better person.

I feel like I am starting to shed 30 years of negativity. Granted not all has been negative. I have a wonderful husband that I love more than anything in the world. He gave me a beautiful son that I would die for and I have a wonderfully loving and forgiving dog.

But there was definitely a lot more negative in my life than I thought. It is amazing to see all the little bricks from the walls that I built crumbling away. I can finally speak up and say when I am not happy about something and be okay with it. I do not have to be the people pleaser I was. If you are not happy with something I say then I guess that is not really my issue. If you are not happy with how I look, that is not my issue. Of course, I know that all of these things are a reflection of how I am to others as well and that is going to change. I need to relax. There is no need for me to be in control of anything. That is what the universe is for.

The only thing I care about is the happiness of my family. Sadly, the process and changes that are happening to me right now have caused hurt to others. For that I apologize. It is not fair to them. I even apologize to my dog.

I have been so focused on trying to change myself on the outside (Minus the dreads. I have wanted those forever because they are just so darn pretty and I want to wear sea glass in my hair.). Everything that I have been reading for years about changing the inside is coming true now. I always thought that I was a good person inside. I held doors for people, I smiled at them once in a while. I volunteered (which I do plan on doing again when the time is right. I went back too early.) with dogs at a rescue. I want to do those things again. But I want to really feel it. Do I tear up every time I see dogs on the E-List or that have been hurt by a human? Yes. Do I try to be a good person and give others a genuine smile? Yes. Do I really care about all of my friends and family? Yes. I love them all individually for all of those little things that make them tic. Do I wish that I could get out of my own way and do what makes me happy? Yes. Do I need to find my confidence again? Yes. Do I need to stop being so afraid of people? Yes. People scare me. I feel that I am always being judged (even though I am not. I hope). Feeling like that has made me bitter. Cynical. Unable to really trust. When I am with people in a large group I become very quiet. I am so afraid that I am going to say something stupid that I just don't say anything. It is very difficult for me. I chose not to go to concerts because of large crowds. The only group activity that I am not afraid of is going on cruiser rides. Everyone is having fun and riding. They are focused on not crashing into anything or anyone. No one is looking at me. I feel safe in that situation. The grocery store is the worst. Especially the area that we live in. There are a lot of snow birds in this area. Every time I go to Sprouts with Jack I get the most condescending looks from these ladies. It is pretty bad but we go anyway and we dance. If you are going to judge me I might as well look like a dork.

Does posting this in a few minutes scare the absolute shit out of me? Yes. YES it does. Am I going to post it anyway? Yes. I post everything above with a deep breath. I am slowly going to pour my heart out into this blog so you all can read what I can not say. Maybe someone is feeling the same way and it will bring them comfort. Maybe it will piss a few people off. Or maybe, just maybe my friends and family can see what I struggle with on a daily basis and see who I really am. If you do want to comment, please do so gently. I am a fragile creature right now and this is the only thing I ask. I will respond with even headedness, respect and an open heart if needed. Now it is time to get on my mat. It is time to open my heart again. It is time for me to balance.

Hope you all have a nice rest of your Tuesday. I hope you all go to bed with a smile on your face. It means the day wasn't so bad.

Sundays

Sundays are my favorite days of the week. This is family day. The day when my husband is home and our son and I get to spend time with him.

Sunday is also the day I have the happiest dog in the world. She has all of her humans with her and she just basks in the love.

Sundays are the best.

Gratitude

I was told last night that I was ungrateful because I do not support men and women going into other countries for war. I was ungrateful because someone thinks I asked them to defend my freedom. I did not ask anyone of this.

So this has made me think. Am I grateful for things?

Yes. I am grateful for my husband who works so very hard to support Jack and I. Especially while I get my shit together. Grateful to get everyone else's idea of who and what I should be out of me. I am so grateful to have someone that loves me enough to know I am going through a challenge and struggle to figure things out and choses to be with me still. I am grateful every moment for my son that I was so concerned and scared about being born. I am grateful everyday for my sister who allowed me to live with her to get me out of a bad home situation. I am grateful everyday for my father and mother in law in NY that were able to help us financially while we were pregnant. I am grateful for my in laws in AZ and niece and nephew for being in my life.

I am grateful for the people that own the house we live in for allowing us to stay for a year while we had our son and figure things out.

I am grateful everyday that I wake up and my pain is a little less. My anxiety is a little less. My clothes fit a little better. I am grateful that I have a cute Staffie to walk. I am grateful to have food to nourish my body to I can become strong again for my family.

I am grateful to be breathing.

So when someone says I am ungrateful because they made a choice to fight in a war I do not believe in. Someone that fights for corporate America. Someone that is now suffering from the choice that they made. Please do not tell me that I am ungrateful.

Our choices are our own. We all make them for different reasons but to tell someone that they are ungrateful and are useless to the country they lie in it is too far. We all have our own path to walk, I chose not to walk mine with bitterness anymore.

The best quote I have ever remember is this: Great Spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. Albert Einstein

Becoming Healthy

I write this from the rocking chair while Jack plays on the floor before his nap. Maybe we will just go for a walk before his nap or something.

Anyway, I don't want to be unhealthy anymore. It's been a really rough 3 years with 2 surgeries and a baby. I was telling myself that I could not physically do it. I didn't have the energy to work out, go for a walk, anything. And to a certain extent I didn't. But I think most of that was in my head. So I am on another journey to clean out the negative and work on bringing the positive to my life.

With that, I need to eat healthier. This morning Jack and I both had oatmeal and bananas for breakfast. (which by the way, it is really fun saying bananas to your dog in a high pitched voice). I am realizing that my husband and I need to set a good example of healthful eating for Jack. And I want him to know that exercise and movement are good for him. Yes, it's so easy to lay on the couch and watch tv. We aren't canceling that out. I love The Big Bang Theory WAY too much. But we need to make time in our lives to exercise.

For the past 6 weeks we have gone for a walk everyday, minus a day or two off here and there for rest. That doesn't seem like a big deal right? Well it is. Since I started working at home 2 years ago it is very easy to stay in the house. And with AZ in the summer, it's a given. But this year is the year for change. It's not just my husband and I anymore.

The nice part about AZ, the heat. I know, I know. I used to complain too. But right now I am not. I am learning to embrace the heat. So far this week I have done yoga outside in the sun and heat. It feels amazing and I feel amazing after.

So right now with waking two miles and yoga while Jack is napping, it is a start. We will add more exercise as the weight drops. We will eat a little more healthful everyday and we will be more conscience everyday of what goes on our bodies . At least I will.

Have a good day!

Well,

It has been a very very long time since I wrote on here. A lot has happened (of course my four lovely followers know most of it!)

I am finding lately that I can not deal with stress at all. I thought I handled it really well before but I am finding that I only have patience for my loving and patient husband and my beautiful little boy.

I wish I had it for work, peoples stupidity, peoples really bad driving and all other things that I know shouldn't bother me. 

But really, a little common sense goes a long way and I am just not finding people that seem to have it.

For example, twice at the market up the street employees have tried to grab Jack's stroller while he is in it. I know that you are trying to be helpful but have you never seen a mama with her baby?? I don't know you, you don't touch him. One girl I can forgive because I think there was a little short circuit. Understandable so I did have patience with her. Not the cashier though that just ignored the entire thing. We shop there only if it is an emergency now. 

I bought this journal a few months ago with thoughts that I would finally right down what is going on in my head. You know, get it out. Sadly I have used one page in it. I borrowed A Tree Grows In Brooklyn a couple weeks ago. I returned it after a week because I had read one page 4 times and realized that I am too tired to read a book other than to Jack. Nothing wrong with that because really, I am reading him The Hobbit right now. They say read your kid fairy tales if you want them to be smart. I think that is one of the best ones. I tried the Grimm Fairy Tales and they are so dark. If I want Jack to read dark books he can read Edward Gorey. 

Then I am almost being alienated because I decided it was time for my dreads to start developing. Instead of some of my family asking me why I have decided to start the process of my dreads, I am being treated like a stranger and they are being a little weird. Oh well, I still love them and it is not my issue to deal with. I am the same person I was before I had them, it is just time to have them now as I am on a new journey called motherhood. I want all the negative out of my life and I want to have beautiful happy dreads. But there will be a little negativity in them during this process of clearing out negative energies. 

This whole mommy process is new for me and I have absolutely no examples of how to me a mom. Having had a stepmother that never wanted kids, she had no clue as to what she was doing and really wanted me out of the way all the time. With that I was alone all the time. Then being forced to babysit...How can I possibly be a good babysitter when I don't know what I am doing and when I ask what to do I am told to just tell them (being the parents) what is going on and they will handle it. So where were my coping mechanisms there? Then I babysit again when I am in my late teens and early 20's because 1) I needed to make money to pay rent and 2) Because a friend of someone needed a babysitter. 

I did not want to babysit. It is so hard to watch someones children when you have to discipline them the way the parents want but you know in your heart you would NEVER raise a child like that. But then again, I have a really hard time saying no because I am so afraid to hurt peoples feelings. I am quickly getting over that.

So, with all of that I have vowed to be the best mommy I can. Which I am sure every mommy vows. It is hard though when you really have no example of what a mommy is. I remember nothing of my mom. All I can do is hope and base every decision on "What would my mom have done?". You can't raise a child like that though. I am getting the hang of it though. He is happy. Has not had diaper rash and the boy eats like a little piggy. He is growing and happy so that is all I can hope for right? He is so loved and his favorite thing is kisses. He LOVES kisses!

So for Jack, this is what I vow:

I vow to teach you, my son to love people (though sometimes I have a really hard time with that), teach you that no matter what race you are, what background you have or who you chose to love, they are humans on a journey just like us and need love just like we do. I will teach you,  my son that being creative and smart are amazing things and to never be ashamed of it. I will teach you,  my son that kindness goes a long way (even if you are crabby). I will teach you, my son to be fair, to stand up for yourself and your beliefs, to stand up for what is right. I will teach you,  my son to love animals. That having an animal in your life makes it so much better and that no matter the situation, you do not give up on a four legged family member.  I will teach you, my son the things that I was never taught. I will not watch you struggle to know the difference between right and wrong. I will always be here for you. To hug you, to listen you, to love and to snuggle you. 

I hope one day that this blog will still be around and I can read this to him. And I hope, that when he is a teenager and we disagree on something, I have taught him enough to know that it is just a disagreement and that I will always love him. 

I will give my son what I crave the most. A mom.