What do you do?

When someone depends on you for their only source of happiness?

When they don't understand when you tell them, they need to be happy with themselves first?

When all they do is complain about their life and their situations but then tell you, hey, you make me really happy and that is all I have.

I don't think I can be that person. That is a very daunting task that I don't think I am up for.

What do you do when they don't listen and put words in your mouth?

Things that you aren't saying?

What do you do when someone accuses you of something that you are not doing and then trying to play it off as a joke?

But you can tell by their tone of voice that they are not joking, then try to play it off because of a movie they were watching.

What do you do when you feel untrusted?

I am trying to answer all of these questions and have been for days. Now I sit here with a glass of wine after another trying day. Being given ultimatums because all I have asked for is a little time to figure this out.

Being made to be the bad guy because my red flags have gone up and I am listening to them.

Being made to answer questions that I don't know the answer to.

Being made to feel like I have done something wrong when the questions that I have are valid and are causing me to think about where the path is leading in my life.

I try to take into account all that we have in common and maybe what was said was a joke.

But to have to justify myself for something as simple is going to the grocery store so I can eat does not set well with me.

I know that a relationship is a two way street but to have someone elses paranoia start to effect you when you have done nothing, is that a challenge worth accepting?

If this is how it is now, will it get better or worse?

The feeling I have is that it will be worse. And I can not have that and will not allow that in my life.

I have seen what that can do to people and it broke my heart many times.

The worst part is that this will effect more than me. This will effect people that I care about and love like family.

I don't want that to happen but...

If there is no trust in a relationship, can there even be a relationship?

I think the answer is no.

And it makes me sad to say this but I think that is the answer.

It breaks my heart to be the one to do this but trying to brush aside the feelings will not work because I am not willing to take the risk to let this happen again.

I think maybe right now, I need to just be with the ones that love me unconditionally, don't question me (unless of course I were to get hurt) and be with myself a little longer.

It has been a very trying year already with a lot of changes happening. I think maybe this isn't right.

But how to say it..?

Tatum

Every weekend my sister and I volunteer at the Arizona Animal Welfare League and have been doing this for about 4 months or so.

It was a rough start volunteering there. Not being around dogs all the time and the ones I am around have happy homes. So it was a little bit of a rough adjustment to get used to them being in the shelter life. With much guidance and reassurance, sister convinced me to continue going. This was a really good choice and I silently thank her every week :).

There was this little pup that I was going to take home this week that needed medical fostering. I figured after a few days of rest from surgery, it would be okay to bring her home. I find out Wednesday it would not work out that way. It is okay though, bless her little heart <3.

I think that was a blessing in disguise in many ways.

On our last walk of the day, we checked the sign out sheet for the pups to see who needed to go before it was too hot. I see that there is a Staffordshire Bull Terrier that is kenneled with another terrier. I figure okay, I did this doggleganger thing last week (http://www.doggelganger.co.nz/) that sister posted a link to and this was the dog that they paired me with, let's take this pup for a walk.

So I walk to the interior of the kennels and am looking for this stocky dog, maybe to the height of my knee...

Oh no. This is not the case. Tatum the Staffie Bull, is a 7 month old brindle, spotted pup of cuteness doom.

Really.

Heart. Melt. *tear*

We went for our little walky walk. She stayed by my side the whole time. If she went forward a little, she would look back to me for approval. She would turn and check if I was there. walk walk walk. turn. check. walk walk walk. turn. check. (Slowly she is killing me with her cuteness).

We get back to the shelter and go to a yard. We hang, she has some water, a cookie, a little lay down. All she wanted was some love and of course, to cool down. We hang out for about 20 minutes. I had decided during this time she was coming home with me. With such a sweet disposition and how mellow she is, it is a sure thing she and the cats would get along (of course, fingers crossed the whole time).

Back to the kennel we go. And off I go to talk to read her file to see what she is all about.

After reading her file, I don't think I will ever know why she was surrendered! )It may be the stinky puppy farts though.. She is kind of killing me right now.. but that means it is almost time to poop!)

But I like to think that she was surrendered so she can live in her happy forever home with Autum, Simon, myself and of course Nick, who will meet her in a few weeks. (That was kind of a surprise to him. Hee hee.. Good thing he loves me!!)

Paperwork filed, lots of goodies bought: New bed, a kong, a kong wubba, a ball (that she has no interest so far) bowls, puppy food, treats, a toothbrush and toothpaste, more treats, baby gate and doggie wipes.. She is in her home.

She is adjusting well with Autum as is Autum with her. Simon.. he is very unsure about the whole situation. He will come around though. Tatum is very inquizative about the cats but will stay right next to me so I can reassure her it is alright and that it will be okay.

Autum came out while she was on the couch and she (Tatum) went to the end of the couch and was kind of doing this growling/purring thing to let me know that Autum was there.

I got up to go say hi to Autum and Tatum immediately got into her bed and watched. (She is SUCH a good girl and SO smart) Autum was okay with that and followed me into the bathroom and got on the counter. Once she was up, I invited Tatum in to say hello. She reached up so she could see Autum on the counter and let out a little wimper. Autum just looked at her while I pet her on the counter and was like.. "Okay.. She is staying and I guess I will be okay with it." Autum jumped off the counter and went into the other room. Tatum didn't chase her at all! I was so impressed.

Now if Simon the agoraphobic cat will come out and be a nice boy, I think we will all get along.

Tatum is on the couch between my leg and the back cushion right now sleeping her little heart out and Autum is laying on the floor by the screen door.

Same room = Good Start :P

I figured it was a good idea to get a little bit of knowledge on my new kid. So I looked up some information and some photos. Looks like she is Staffie Bull and Jack Russell. She isn't going to get much bigger than 20 to 25 lbs and she is already 20 lbs. Good size for us all... because of course.. We all need to fit in the bed together for snuggle times!

I made a really good choice today. Not only did I introduce someone new to the family, I made room for another life to be saved. This makes me tear up. I am very blessed to be able to be here to save a life and I am very grateful for the opportunity :).  And of course.. Dougal the Smartest Pup in the World needs a cousin!

YAY!

Go Tatum the Super Pup!

The Joy that is my Vagina

Ladies have them...

I have an opinion on them though..

I hate mine.

Went for my follow up appointment today..

Let me start at the beginning so we are on the same page...

Last November I had the joy and discomfort of having my right ovary removed.

I went to the emergency room at the end of October because I had really bad pain in my lower right side.

After I got probed in the butt to make sure it wasn't appendicitis, I was probed in the hooha and they found 2 cysts about 7CM large attached to my right ovary like a dumb bell.

So November 12th 2010 I had my right ovary removed.. We are not even going to talk about what I had to go through to get myself a room at the uber sketchy hospital and the time it took to get me into the OR.. (I was 12 hours late for surgery because there were SO many other surgeries before me).

So..,

8 and 1/2 almost 9 full months later..

I am back in the same spot.

I started presenting with the same symptoms on the same side which is really odd...

BUT.. sometimes the way the brain and the body works, it is common to feel pain from the right on the left or the left on the right..

So...

Back to my follow up today..

More poking in the hooha.. yes.. please jab that wand in my left ovary because I love to move up the table in pain.. really I do.

After seeing that my vagina is apparently like a freakin camel and retains water as such (WTF), my left ovary has grown a little more since last week (HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?) and the little cysty fucks are there too...more of them.. little fuckers..

My doctor brings in the other doctor to take a look..

The other doctor thinks that we are looking at a fallopain tube.. (really, I don't think my fallopian tube should look like a red vine.. but what do I know about my body and faulty reproductive organs...)

He thinks that I should be put on birth control for the next 3 months and see what happens.. when I say no.. it is far too much estrogen for me to handle and I am enough of a bitch WITHOUT any assistance.. He recommends progesterone for 3 months...

After my doctor and the other doctor argue like a married couple for a few minutes, the 2nd doctor leaves..

Luckily.. my doctor is pretty laid back.. I guess you have to be when you are stuck looking a vaginas all day.

I ask if they alway argue like a married couple.. (the nurse appreciated that one)

He said no, but he fully disagreed with what his partner had said.

So.. we discussed options.. (really, I just don't want to be in pain anymore.. as much as I love opiates.. they are fun.. I would like to poop without the assistance of a stool softener. My poor neighbors must really be shocked to hear the sounds that come out of my apartment.. It sounds like there is a freakin tug boat in here trying to sound the horn under water.. It is so gross. Thank GOD my boyfriend is not here for this.. the poor cats though... Sorry kitties and neighbors).

Oh yeah..

Sorry..

Back to what I was talking about.

I could be put on progesterone or we could go in and remove the little fuckers.

So Tuesday almost 9 months to the day that I had my first surgery, I go back in to have the new little cysty fuckers removed. And a little exploratory surgery to see what else may be causing the pain.

Hopefully, we can just get the cysts removed without having to remove the ovary. Worst case scenario.., it goes too.. But.. I have the joy of having laproscopic surgery through my stomach again and that will be.. lets count it.. 12.. yes 12! scars on my stomach.

After the surgery, I go an a regimen of progesterone for about 3 months to see if this will stop the cysts from coming back.

If this doesn't work.. then.. well.. I guess we see what happens. The joy of medicine.. it is a practice.. trial and error..

So fingers crossed.. prayers being said sleep being done and the ass dent in my couch becoming a little deeper.