Oh my...
It has been ten years since I was in NYC. 10 years ago today at this exact time, I was waiting with thousands of people in the streets of NYC to get on a ferry to take us across the river to NJ to get to our homes, families, somewhere safe.
I was on 14th Street and 7th Avenue (Avenue of the Americas) in our morning sales/ pep talk meeting at Urban Outfitters when one of the merchandisers came out to say that Howard Stern announced that a plane had flown into one of the towers. After the manager performed the security check to make sure we did not steal anything (really.. not high on the list of things for us to think about at that time) we all went out the front door to see about 14 or 15 blocks away that a plane had flown into the tower.
Of course my natural reaction to fear is to laugh, apparently this was deemed inappropriate by some of my coworkers. Oops. None of us really thought it was as severe as it was. So we all go back to our meeting. Then the merchandiser comes out again to tell us there is another plane circling. Okay. That was a little odd. So, like watching a car accident or train wreck about to happen, we all go outside again. Then reality hit. As we are all standing on the side walk, we all watch in astonishment the second plane go into the tower. Weird. As our manager tries to get us all into the building, a woman and man that are running to safety stop me to see if they can purchase a pair of shoes. Do you know how hard it is to say no to someone in need? To not be able to provide a small ounce of comfort. All it was, a pair of shoes and I had to say no.
I think that is about the time for 10 years I stopped saying no to people. Out of guilt. That was the point that I started a 10 year struggle with making myself happy and trying so hard to please others.
At that point, I looked at my coworkers and wished them well and a happy life. I had decided two days prior that I needed to go back home to NH and that I could not make it in the city that I had so many hopes and dreams about.
I walked I don't know how many blocks to the diner that I worked at for the first 5 months that I lived in the city to check on the 92 year old woman that was my old customer. She was one of my favorite people. We would sit in the mornings when she came in for her 2 or 4 pieces of toast (it always depended on how she was feeling that morning) with the crusts cut off and light butter. Tea with 1 sugar and just a spot of milk. Just enough to make it a dark caramel brown. After contacting family and friends in NH to let them know that I was okay, she was my only concern. She had lived in the city her entire life. She would share the stories of the 20's up to present day of the city and how much it had changed. What had been here and there. She was a great source of strength and knowledge. I looked at her as my grandmother and my friend. She was so scared. No one was talking to her. She just needed some tea. I was so happy to just sit with her and hold her while she cried and we could share the shocking fear that we both had.
I had always felt so bad that the people that worked there had been so frustrated with her. She was really one of the easiest people to please, they just needed a little pateince. And when she was having a rough morning, all she wanted was someone to acknowledge her. She was my friend. I am sure that now she has passed on and is with her husband again (whom she loved very much). She was the one person I miss most of all out of all the people I met when I lived there.
After having some coffee, a gentleman came in to let us all know that the ferry's were up again and were transporting people across the river. I hugged Mary good bye and told her I loved her but I had to go. She understood and wished me well and told me she loved me back.
This man that I had never met made the 2 hour journey to the ferry. Normally walking to the pier would not take that long but mix in emergency service vehicles, fire fighters, EMT's and police on stand by with the amount of people needing to get across the river.. it was a lot of people. One of the one and only times everyone in NYC was trying to get to one place. Our group in Lower Manhattan trying to get the pier and another group going across the Brooklyn Bridge.
After waiting in line for about 2 hours, the man I was with (at this point we were joined by a woman that also lived in Jersey City) and the woman boarded the ferry for the journey across the river. There was nothing but silence, that I can remember, on that boat. We all just watched in awe what was happening or rather what had happened as the towers were both down at this point. All you could smell was jet fuel, dust of the buildings and paper and a faint smell of burnt flesh. Yes, you could smell that. If the breeze caught it the right way, you could tell that there was something not right in the smell. We finally reached the pier on the other side of the river. Walked the very very steep stair case in Hoboken and made the long journey to Jersey City. In all, it was about 5 hours of walking. I remember getting back to the house sometime after 7:30pm. The cats my roommate and I adopted were hiding under my bed. There was a note on stationary that I received as a going away gift from my roommate and best friend from high school that stated he was leaving to his parents house.
To this day, I think he is a chicken (well, that is not really the word that I use for him but I digress) for leaving. Was it because I was upset that though 2 days before he was begging me to stay in the city and not go home? Was it because he just left me there, not knowing if I was okay? That if for some random chance I had taken the wrong train into the city like I had the first time I had gone into the city alone?
I don't know and I can not answer that. The friendship has dissolved at this point. It dissolved soon after I had left. As will happen with high school friends.
Tomorrow, September 12th, is the day that I left NYC. I remember my sister and father driving down to get me. Making sure the cats had food and water before I left. Placing all of my belongings that would fit into plastic bags into the back of the van. My father getting out of the van and asking what that smell was and having to explain that it was a combination of debris, fuel and flesh. Driving down the freeway in the back of the van watching the plume of smoke billowing out of Lower Manhattan.
Then I spent the next 5 years trying to avoid the feelings of what I had seen, what I could not do, of running away (as I imagine in my mind) instead of staying and helping, doing something. I spent the next 5 years in a cloud of alcohol and partying like my life depended on it. Not realizing that because I did not deal with my own emotions, I put unneeded and unfair stress on the people that I loved. To this day, this is my only regret and will always ask for forgiveness everytime I lay down my yoga mat. Until I forgive myself for following my natural instinct and realize I did what millions of others did, I will ask for forgiveness from the ones that I have hurt through out the last 10 years. I am sorry for all that I have put you through.
There are many men and women that have suffered worse. They have lost loved ones, friends and coworkers. The men and women that were at the site that have medical issues from responding, that lost their lives in the towers. My emotions are small compared to what the residents, employees and responders have had to deal and are still dealing with over the past 10 years.
It makes me think about what I haven't done in the past 10 years. I feel like I should have taken the last 10 years to do something great with my life. But then again, maybe I am supposed to be right here, right now. In this moment. Writing this. Living in Arizona with my animals. Meeting the man that I have been waiting all this time to meet. My best friend a few miles away from me. Starting this new journey in my life. Maybe it is time for me to put the past 10 years behind me. Move on. Let go of the guilt that I have felt and actually live my life the way it is meant to be lived. Maybe it is time to stop being afraid of things, what people think and just be free.
With all of this being written, purged from my mind, all I can think of is saying a little prayer and sending love to all of the lost souls that died 10 years ago today. Going to my local fire house, giving them cookies and saying thank you for all that these men and women do. Sending loving energy to the families that lost their loved ones and letting them know, that life goes on and everything will be okay eventually. As unfair as it was the way their lives were taken, things will be okay in the end.
Maybe I am being selfish in writing all of this. That I have emotional issues from what I witnessed so long ago when I was 22. So young and so naive. So full of hopes and dreams. I don't know.
I will look back on this one day and probably question why I wrote this. Question why I thought I had the right to these emotions. But remembering that this is just one of the things that marked the history that is my life.
My thoughts, blessings and love go to all on this day and all days going forward. Everyday I will do my best to live with compassion, love with all of my heart and try my hardest not to judge people because we all have our own stories and trials to overcome.
