Well,

It has been a very very long time since I wrote on here. A lot has happened (of course my four lovely followers know most of it!)

I am finding lately that I can not deal with stress at all. I thought I handled it really well before but I am finding that I only have patience for my loving and patient husband and my beautiful little boy.

I wish I had it for work, peoples stupidity, peoples really bad driving and all other things that I know shouldn't bother me. 

But really, a little common sense goes a long way and I am just not finding people that seem to have it.

For example, twice at the market up the street employees have tried to grab Jack's stroller while he is in it. I know that you are trying to be helpful but have you never seen a mama with her baby?? I don't know you, you don't touch him. One girl I can forgive because I think there was a little short circuit. Understandable so I did have patience with her. Not the cashier though that just ignored the entire thing. We shop there only if it is an emergency now. 

I bought this journal a few months ago with thoughts that I would finally right down what is going on in my head. You know, get it out. Sadly I have used one page in it. I borrowed A Tree Grows In Brooklyn a couple weeks ago. I returned it after a week because I had read one page 4 times and realized that I am too tired to read a book other than to Jack. Nothing wrong with that because really, I am reading him The Hobbit right now. They say read your kid fairy tales if you want them to be smart. I think that is one of the best ones. I tried the Grimm Fairy Tales and they are so dark. If I want Jack to read dark books he can read Edward Gorey. 

Then I am almost being alienated because I decided it was time for my dreads to start developing. Instead of some of my family asking me why I have decided to start the process of my dreads, I am being treated like a stranger and they are being a little weird. Oh well, I still love them and it is not my issue to deal with. I am the same person I was before I had them, it is just time to have them now as I am on a new journey called motherhood. I want all the negative out of my life and I want to have beautiful happy dreads. But there will be a little negativity in them during this process of clearing out negative energies. 

This whole mommy process is new for me and I have absolutely no examples of how to me a mom. Having had a stepmother that never wanted kids, she had no clue as to what she was doing and really wanted me out of the way all the time. With that I was alone all the time. Then being forced to babysit...How can I possibly be a good babysitter when I don't know what I am doing and when I ask what to do I am told to just tell them (being the parents) what is going on and they will handle it. So where were my coping mechanisms there? Then I babysit again when I am in my late teens and early 20's because 1) I needed to make money to pay rent and 2) Because a friend of someone needed a babysitter. 

I did not want to babysit. It is so hard to watch someones children when you have to discipline them the way the parents want but you know in your heart you would NEVER raise a child like that. But then again, I have a really hard time saying no because I am so afraid to hurt peoples feelings. I am quickly getting over that.

So, with all of that I have vowed to be the best mommy I can. Which I am sure every mommy vows. It is hard though when you really have no example of what a mommy is. I remember nothing of my mom. All I can do is hope and base every decision on "What would my mom have done?". You can't raise a child like that though. I am getting the hang of it though. He is happy. Has not had diaper rash and the boy eats like a little piggy. He is growing and happy so that is all I can hope for right? He is so loved and his favorite thing is kisses. He LOVES kisses!

So for Jack, this is what I vow:

I vow to teach you, my son to love people (though sometimes I have a really hard time with that), teach you that no matter what race you are, what background you have or who you chose to love, they are humans on a journey just like us and need love just like we do. I will teach you,  my son that being creative and smart are amazing things and to never be ashamed of it. I will teach you,  my son that kindness goes a long way (even if you are crabby). I will teach you, my son to be fair, to stand up for yourself and your beliefs, to stand up for what is right. I will teach you,  my son to love animals. That having an animal in your life makes it so much better and that no matter the situation, you do not give up on a four legged family member.  I will teach you, my son the things that I was never taught. I will not watch you struggle to know the difference between right and wrong. I will always be here for you. To hug you, to listen you, to love and to snuggle you. 

I hope one day that this blog will still be around and I can read this to him. And I hope, that when he is a teenager and we disagree on something, I have taught him enough to know that it is just a disagreement and that I will always love him. 

I will give my son what I crave the most. A mom.