I haven't written in a while. It isn't that I haven't had time, well, I just haven't written.
All my joy and happiness has been posted all over facebook.
But tonight, I drive my fiance to the airport because he is spending Christmas in Long Island.
I am getting kind of sad. This has been planned for months and months. I have known about it.
It is going to be weird being without him for 10 days. It doesn't seem like a long time but when you spend every night with your best friend, it will be odd to not see them. Tatum will be sad as well. She loves him so. The cats will be happy because Mommy will be home for 10 days and nights.
On a happy note, once he comes back, we will be moving in together.
I will be packing while he is gone, transfering the cable and getting the keys to move in. Once my stuff is out of Tempe, I am done. I actually am looking forward to that. To never have to drive there again - Except to my eye doctor and doctors. I could find new ones but it took me 6 years to find the ones I have so I don't want to switch.
On another note.. I am watching moonshiners rather than working. Chuck is on his way to the jewlers to confirm the stone. I am hoping it comes home with him today.. They just have to set it so it shouldn't take long to be ready, I can't wait for my ring.. I know he wants to be romantic with it but.. maybe he still can be tonight at the airport...
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Time Passes
Oh my...
It has been ten years since I was in NYC. 10 years ago today at this exact time, I was waiting with thousands of people in the streets of NYC to get on a ferry to take us across the river to NJ to get to our homes, families, somewhere safe.
I was on 14th Street and 7th Avenue (Avenue of the Americas) in our morning sales/ pep talk meeting at Urban Outfitters when one of the merchandisers came out to say that Howard Stern announced that a plane had flown into one of the towers. After the manager performed the security check to make sure we did not steal anything (really.. not high on the list of things for us to think about at that time) we all went out the front door to see about 14 or 15 blocks away that a plane had flown into the tower.
Of course my natural reaction to fear is to laugh, apparently this was deemed inappropriate by some of my coworkers. Oops. None of us really thought it was as severe as it was. So we all go back to our meeting. Then the merchandiser comes out again to tell us there is another plane circling. Okay. That was a little odd. So, like watching a car accident or train wreck about to happen, we all go outside again. Then reality hit. As we are all standing on the side walk, we all watch in astonishment the second plane go into the tower. Weird. As our manager tries to get us all into the building, a woman and man that are running to safety stop me to see if they can purchase a pair of shoes. Do you know how hard it is to say no to someone in need? To not be able to provide a small ounce of comfort. All it was, a pair of shoes and I had to say no.
I think that is about the time for 10 years I stopped saying no to people. Out of guilt. That was the point that I started a 10 year struggle with making myself happy and trying so hard to please others.
At that point, I looked at my coworkers and wished them well and a happy life. I had decided two days prior that I needed to go back home to NH and that I could not make it in the city that I had so many hopes and dreams about.
I walked I don't know how many blocks to the diner that I worked at for the first 5 months that I lived in the city to check on the 92 year old woman that was my old customer. She was one of my favorite people. We would sit in the mornings when she came in for her 2 or 4 pieces of toast (it always depended on how she was feeling that morning) with the crusts cut off and light butter. Tea with 1 sugar and just a spot of milk. Just enough to make it a dark caramel brown. After contacting family and friends in NH to let them know that I was okay, she was my only concern. She had lived in the city her entire life. She would share the stories of the 20's up to present day of the city and how much it had changed. What had been here and there. She was a great source of strength and knowledge. I looked at her as my grandmother and my friend. She was so scared. No one was talking to her. She just needed some tea. I was so happy to just sit with her and hold her while she cried and we could share the shocking fear that we both had.
I had always felt so bad that the people that worked there had been so frustrated with her. She was really one of the easiest people to please, they just needed a little pateince. And when she was having a rough morning, all she wanted was someone to acknowledge her. She was my friend. I am sure that now she has passed on and is with her husband again (whom she loved very much). She was the one person I miss most of all out of all the people I met when I lived there.
After having some coffee, a gentleman came in to let us all know that the ferry's were up again and were transporting people across the river. I hugged Mary good bye and told her I loved her but I had to go. She understood and wished me well and told me she loved me back.
This man that I had never met made the 2 hour journey to the ferry. Normally walking to the pier would not take that long but mix in emergency service vehicles, fire fighters, EMT's and police on stand by with the amount of people needing to get across the river.. it was a lot of people. One of the one and only times everyone in NYC was trying to get to one place. Our group in Lower Manhattan trying to get the pier and another group going across the Brooklyn Bridge.
After waiting in line for about 2 hours, the man I was with (at this point we were joined by a woman that also lived in Jersey City) and the woman boarded the ferry for the journey across the river. There was nothing but silence, that I can remember, on that boat. We all just watched in awe what was happening or rather what had happened as the towers were both down at this point. All you could smell was jet fuel, dust of the buildings and paper and a faint smell of burnt flesh. Yes, you could smell that. If the breeze caught it the right way, you could tell that there was something not right in the smell. We finally reached the pier on the other side of the river. Walked the very very steep stair case in Hoboken and made the long journey to Jersey City. In all, it was about 5 hours of walking. I remember getting back to the house sometime after 7:30pm. The cats my roommate and I adopted were hiding under my bed. There was a note on stationary that I received as a going away gift from my roommate and best friend from high school that stated he was leaving to his parents house.
To this day, I think he is a chicken (well, that is not really the word that I use for him but I digress) for leaving. Was it because I was upset that though 2 days before he was begging me to stay in the city and not go home? Was it because he just left me there, not knowing if I was okay? That if for some random chance I had taken the wrong train into the city like I had the first time I had gone into the city alone?
I don't know and I can not answer that. The friendship has dissolved at this point. It dissolved soon after I had left. As will happen with high school friends.
Tomorrow, September 12th, is the day that I left NYC. I remember my sister and father driving down to get me. Making sure the cats had food and water before I left. Placing all of my belongings that would fit into plastic bags into the back of the van. My father getting out of the van and asking what that smell was and having to explain that it was a combination of debris, fuel and flesh. Driving down the freeway in the back of the van watching the plume of smoke billowing out of Lower Manhattan.
Then I spent the next 5 years trying to avoid the feelings of what I had seen, what I could not do, of running away (as I imagine in my mind) instead of staying and helping, doing something. I spent the next 5 years in a cloud of alcohol and partying like my life depended on it. Not realizing that because I did not deal with my own emotions, I put unneeded and unfair stress on the people that I loved. To this day, this is my only regret and will always ask for forgiveness everytime I lay down my yoga mat. Until I forgive myself for following my natural instinct and realize I did what millions of others did, I will ask for forgiveness from the ones that I have hurt through out the last 10 years. I am sorry for all that I have put you through.
There are many men and women that have suffered worse. They have lost loved ones, friends and coworkers. The men and women that were at the site that have medical issues from responding, that lost their lives in the towers. My emotions are small compared to what the residents, employees and responders have had to deal and are still dealing with over the past 10 years.
It makes me think about what I haven't done in the past 10 years. I feel like I should have taken the last 10 years to do something great with my life. But then again, maybe I am supposed to be right here, right now. In this moment. Writing this. Living in Arizona with my animals. Meeting the man that I have been waiting all this time to meet. My best friend a few miles away from me. Starting this new journey in my life. Maybe it is time for me to put the past 10 years behind me. Move on. Let go of the guilt that I have felt and actually live my life the way it is meant to be lived. Maybe it is time to stop being afraid of things, what people think and just be free.
With all of this being written, purged from my mind, all I can think of is saying a little prayer and sending love to all of the lost souls that died 10 years ago today. Going to my local fire house, giving them cookies and saying thank you for all that these men and women do. Sending loving energy to the families that lost their loved ones and letting them know, that life goes on and everything will be okay eventually. As unfair as it was the way their lives were taken, things will be okay in the end.
Maybe I am being selfish in writing all of this. That I have emotional issues from what I witnessed so long ago when I was 22. So young and so naive. So full of hopes and dreams. I don't know.
I will look back on this one day and probably question why I wrote this. Question why I thought I had the right to these emotions. But remembering that this is just one of the things that marked the history that is my life.
My thoughts, blessings and love go to all on this day and all days going forward. Everyday I will do my best to live with compassion, love with all of my heart and try my hardest not to judge people because we all have our own stories and trials to overcome.
It has been ten years since I was in NYC. 10 years ago today at this exact time, I was waiting with thousands of people in the streets of NYC to get on a ferry to take us across the river to NJ to get to our homes, families, somewhere safe.
I was on 14th Street and 7th Avenue (Avenue of the Americas) in our morning sales/ pep talk meeting at Urban Outfitters when one of the merchandisers came out to say that Howard Stern announced that a plane had flown into one of the towers. After the manager performed the security check to make sure we did not steal anything (really.. not high on the list of things for us to think about at that time) we all went out the front door to see about 14 or 15 blocks away that a plane had flown into the tower.
Of course my natural reaction to fear is to laugh, apparently this was deemed inappropriate by some of my coworkers. Oops. None of us really thought it was as severe as it was. So we all go back to our meeting. Then the merchandiser comes out again to tell us there is another plane circling. Okay. That was a little odd. So, like watching a car accident or train wreck about to happen, we all go outside again. Then reality hit. As we are all standing on the side walk, we all watch in astonishment the second plane go into the tower. Weird. As our manager tries to get us all into the building, a woman and man that are running to safety stop me to see if they can purchase a pair of shoes. Do you know how hard it is to say no to someone in need? To not be able to provide a small ounce of comfort. All it was, a pair of shoes and I had to say no.
I think that is about the time for 10 years I stopped saying no to people. Out of guilt. That was the point that I started a 10 year struggle with making myself happy and trying so hard to please others.
At that point, I looked at my coworkers and wished them well and a happy life. I had decided two days prior that I needed to go back home to NH and that I could not make it in the city that I had so many hopes and dreams about.
I walked I don't know how many blocks to the diner that I worked at for the first 5 months that I lived in the city to check on the 92 year old woman that was my old customer. She was one of my favorite people. We would sit in the mornings when she came in for her 2 or 4 pieces of toast (it always depended on how she was feeling that morning) with the crusts cut off and light butter. Tea with 1 sugar and just a spot of milk. Just enough to make it a dark caramel brown. After contacting family and friends in NH to let them know that I was okay, she was my only concern. She had lived in the city her entire life. She would share the stories of the 20's up to present day of the city and how much it had changed. What had been here and there. She was a great source of strength and knowledge. I looked at her as my grandmother and my friend. She was so scared. No one was talking to her. She just needed some tea. I was so happy to just sit with her and hold her while she cried and we could share the shocking fear that we both had.
I had always felt so bad that the people that worked there had been so frustrated with her. She was really one of the easiest people to please, they just needed a little pateince. And when she was having a rough morning, all she wanted was someone to acknowledge her. She was my friend. I am sure that now she has passed on and is with her husband again (whom she loved very much). She was the one person I miss most of all out of all the people I met when I lived there.
After having some coffee, a gentleman came in to let us all know that the ferry's were up again and were transporting people across the river. I hugged Mary good bye and told her I loved her but I had to go. She understood and wished me well and told me she loved me back.
This man that I had never met made the 2 hour journey to the ferry. Normally walking to the pier would not take that long but mix in emergency service vehicles, fire fighters, EMT's and police on stand by with the amount of people needing to get across the river.. it was a lot of people. One of the one and only times everyone in NYC was trying to get to one place. Our group in Lower Manhattan trying to get the pier and another group going across the Brooklyn Bridge.
After waiting in line for about 2 hours, the man I was with (at this point we were joined by a woman that also lived in Jersey City) and the woman boarded the ferry for the journey across the river. There was nothing but silence, that I can remember, on that boat. We all just watched in awe what was happening or rather what had happened as the towers were both down at this point. All you could smell was jet fuel, dust of the buildings and paper and a faint smell of burnt flesh. Yes, you could smell that. If the breeze caught it the right way, you could tell that there was something not right in the smell. We finally reached the pier on the other side of the river. Walked the very very steep stair case in Hoboken and made the long journey to Jersey City. In all, it was about 5 hours of walking. I remember getting back to the house sometime after 7:30pm. The cats my roommate and I adopted were hiding under my bed. There was a note on stationary that I received as a going away gift from my roommate and best friend from high school that stated he was leaving to his parents house.
To this day, I think he is a chicken (well, that is not really the word that I use for him but I digress) for leaving. Was it because I was upset that though 2 days before he was begging me to stay in the city and not go home? Was it because he just left me there, not knowing if I was okay? That if for some random chance I had taken the wrong train into the city like I had the first time I had gone into the city alone?
I don't know and I can not answer that. The friendship has dissolved at this point. It dissolved soon after I had left. As will happen with high school friends.
Tomorrow, September 12th, is the day that I left NYC. I remember my sister and father driving down to get me. Making sure the cats had food and water before I left. Placing all of my belongings that would fit into plastic bags into the back of the van. My father getting out of the van and asking what that smell was and having to explain that it was a combination of debris, fuel and flesh. Driving down the freeway in the back of the van watching the plume of smoke billowing out of Lower Manhattan.
Then I spent the next 5 years trying to avoid the feelings of what I had seen, what I could not do, of running away (as I imagine in my mind) instead of staying and helping, doing something. I spent the next 5 years in a cloud of alcohol and partying like my life depended on it. Not realizing that because I did not deal with my own emotions, I put unneeded and unfair stress on the people that I loved. To this day, this is my only regret and will always ask for forgiveness everytime I lay down my yoga mat. Until I forgive myself for following my natural instinct and realize I did what millions of others did, I will ask for forgiveness from the ones that I have hurt through out the last 10 years. I am sorry for all that I have put you through.
There are many men and women that have suffered worse. They have lost loved ones, friends and coworkers. The men and women that were at the site that have medical issues from responding, that lost their lives in the towers. My emotions are small compared to what the residents, employees and responders have had to deal and are still dealing with over the past 10 years.
It makes me think about what I haven't done in the past 10 years. I feel like I should have taken the last 10 years to do something great with my life. But then again, maybe I am supposed to be right here, right now. In this moment. Writing this. Living in Arizona with my animals. Meeting the man that I have been waiting all this time to meet. My best friend a few miles away from me. Starting this new journey in my life. Maybe it is time for me to put the past 10 years behind me. Move on. Let go of the guilt that I have felt and actually live my life the way it is meant to be lived. Maybe it is time to stop being afraid of things, what people think and just be free.
With all of this being written, purged from my mind, all I can think of is saying a little prayer and sending love to all of the lost souls that died 10 years ago today. Going to my local fire house, giving them cookies and saying thank you for all that these men and women do. Sending loving energy to the families that lost their loved ones and letting them know, that life goes on and everything will be okay eventually. As unfair as it was the way their lives were taken, things will be okay in the end.
Maybe I am being selfish in writing all of this. That I have emotional issues from what I witnessed so long ago when I was 22. So young and so naive. So full of hopes and dreams. I don't know.
I will look back on this one day and probably question why I wrote this. Question why I thought I had the right to these emotions. But remembering that this is just one of the things that marked the history that is my life.
My thoughts, blessings and love go to all on this day and all days going forward. Everyday I will do my best to live with compassion, love with all of my heart and try my hardest not to judge people because we all have our own stories and trials to overcome.
Monday, July 25, 2011
What do you do?
When someone depends on you for their only source of happiness?
When they don't understand when you tell them, they need to be happy with themselves first?
When all they do is complain about their life and their situations but then tell you, hey, you make me really happy and that is all I have.
I don't think I can be that person. That is a very daunting task that I don't think I am up for.
What do you do when they don't listen and put words in your mouth?
Things that you aren't saying?
What do you do when someone accuses you of something that you are not doing and then trying to play it off as a joke?
But you can tell by their tone of voice that they are not joking, then try to play it off because of a movie they were watching.
What do you do when you feel untrusted?
I am trying to answer all of these questions and have been for days. Now I sit here with a glass of wine after another trying day. Being given ultimatums because all I have asked for is a little time to figure this out.
Being made to be the bad guy because my red flags have gone up and I am listening to them.
Being made to answer questions that I don't know the answer to.
Being made to feel like I have done something wrong when the questions that I have are valid and are causing me to think about where the path is leading in my life.
I try to take into account all that we have in common and maybe what was said was a joke.
But to have to justify myself for something as simple is going to the grocery store so I can eat does not set well with me.
I know that a relationship is a two way street but to have someone elses paranoia start to effect you when you have done nothing, is that a challenge worth accepting?
If this is how it is now, will it get better or worse?
The feeling I have is that it will be worse. And I can not have that and will not allow that in my life.
I have seen what that can do to people and it broke my heart many times.
The worst part is that this will effect more than me. This will effect people that I care about and love like family.
I don't want that to happen but...
If there is no trust in a relationship, can there even be a relationship?
I think the answer is no.
And it makes me sad to say this but I think that is the answer.
It breaks my heart to be the one to do this but trying to brush aside the feelings will not work because I am not willing to take the risk to let this happen again.
I think maybe right now, I need to just be with the ones that love me unconditionally, don't question me (unless of course I were to get hurt) and be with myself a little longer.
It has been a very trying year already with a lot of changes happening. I think maybe this isn't right.
But how to say it..?
When they don't understand when you tell them, they need to be happy with themselves first?
When all they do is complain about their life and their situations but then tell you, hey, you make me really happy and that is all I have.
I don't think I can be that person. That is a very daunting task that I don't think I am up for.
What do you do when they don't listen and put words in your mouth?
Things that you aren't saying?
What do you do when someone accuses you of something that you are not doing and then trying to play it off as a joke?
But you can tell by their tone of voice that they are not joking, then try to play it off because of a movie they were watching.
What do you do when you feel untrusted?
I am trying to answer all of these questions and have been for days. Now I sit here with a glass of wine after another trying day. Being given ultimatums because all I have asked for is a little time to figure this out.
Being made to be the bad guy because my red flags have gone up and I am listening to them.
Being made to answer questions that I don't know the answer to.
Being made to feel like I have done something wrong when the questions that I have are valid and are causing me to think about where the path is leading in my life.
I try to take into account all that we have in common and maybe what was said was a joke.
But to have to justify myself for something as simple is going to the grocery store so I can eat does not set well with me.
I know that a relationship is a two way street but to have someone elses paranoia start to effect you when you have done nothing, is that a challenge worth accepting?
If this is how it is now, will it get better or worse?
The feeling I have is that it will be worse. And I can not have that and will not allow that in my life.
I have seen what that can do to people and it broke my heart many times.
The worst part is that this will effect more than me. This will effect people that I care about and love like family.
I don't want that to happen but...
If there is no trust in a relationship, can there even be a relationship?
I think the answer is no.
And it makes me sad to say this but I think that is the answer.
It breaks my heart to be the one to do this but trying to brush aside the feelings will not work because I am not willing to take the risk to let this happen again.
I think maybe right now, I need to just be with the ones that love me unconditionally, don't question me (unless of course I were to get hurt) and be with myself a little longer.
It has been a very trying year already with a lot of changes happening. I think maybe this isn't right.
But how to say it..?
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Tatum
Every weekend my sister and I volunteer at the Arizona Animal Welfare League and have been doing this for about 4 months or so.
It was a rough start volunteering there. Not being around dogs all the time and the ones I am around have happy homes. So it was a little bit of a rough adjustment to get used to them being in the shelter life. With much guidance and reassurance, sister convinced me to continue going. This was a really good choice and I silently thank her every week :).
There was this little pup that I was going to take home this week that needed medical fostering. I figured after a few days of rest from surgery, it would be okay to bring her home. I find out Wednesday it would not work out that way. It is okay though, bless her little heart <3.
I think that was a blessing in disguise in many ways.
On our last walk of the day, we checked the sign out sheet for the pups to see who needed to go before it was too hot. I see that there is a Staffordshire Bull Terrier that is kenneled with another terrier. I figure okay, I did this doggleganger thing last week (http://www.doggelganger.co.nz/) that sister posted a link to and this was the dog that they paired me with, let's take this pup for a walk.
So I walk to the interior of the kennels and am looking for this stocky dog, maybe to the height of my knee...
Oh no. This is not the case. Tatum the Staffie Bull, is a 7 month old brindle, spotted pup of cuteness doom.
Really.
Heart. Melt. *tear*
We went for our little walky walk. She stayed by my side the whole time. If she went forward a little, she would look back to me for approval. She would turn and check if I was there. walk walk walk. turn. check. walk walk walk. turn. check. (Slowly she is killing me with her cuteness).
We get back to the shelter and go to a yard. We hang, she has some water, a cookie, a little lay down. All she wanted was some love and of course, to cool down. We hang out for about 20 minutes. I had decided during this time she was coming home with me. With such a sweet disposition and how mellow she is, it is a sure thing she and the cats would get along (of course, fingers crossed the whole time).
Back to the kennel we go. And off I go to talk to read her file to see what she is all about.
After reading her file, I don't think I will ever know why she was surrendered! )It may be the stinky puppy farts though.. She is kind of killing me right now.. but that means it is almost time to poop!)
But I like to think that she was surrendered so she can live in her happy forever home with Autum, Simon, myself and of course Nick, who will meet her in a few weeks. (That was kind of a surprise to him. Hee hee.. Good thing he loves me!!)
Paperwork filed, lots of goodies bought: New bed, a kong, a kong wubba, a ball (that she has no interest so far) bowls, puppy food, treats, a toothbrush and toothpaste, more treats, baby gate and doggie wipes.. She is in her home.
She is adjusting well with Autum as is Autum with her. Simon.. he is very unsure about the whole situation. He will come around though. Tatum is very inquizative about the cats but will stay right next to me so I can reassure her it is alright and that it will be okay.
Autum came out while she was on the couch and she (Tatum) went to the end of the couch and was kind of doing this growling/purring thing to let me know that Autum was there.
I got up to go say hi to Autum and Tatum immediately got into her bed and watched. (She is SUCH a good girl and SO smart) Autum was okay with that and followed me into the bathroom and got on the counter. Once she was up, I invited Tatum in to say hello. She reached up so she could see Autum on the counter and let out a little wimper. Autum just looked at her while I pet her on the counter and was like.. "Okay.. She is staying and I guess I will be okay with it." Autum jumped off the counter and went into the other room. Tatum didn't chase her at all! I was so impressed.
Now if Simon the agoraphobic cat will come out and be a nice boy, I think we will all get along.
Tatum is on the couch between my leg and the back cushion right now sleeping her little heart out and Autum is laying on the floor by the screen door.
Same room = Good Start :P
I figured it was a good idea to get a little bit of knowledge on my new kid. So I looked up some information and some photos. Looks like she is Staffie Bull and Jack Russell. She isn't going to get much bigger than 20 to 25 lbs and she is already 20 lbs. Good size for us all... because of course.. We all need to fit in the bed together for snuggle times!
I made a really good choice today. Not only did I introduce someone new to the family, I made room for another life to be saved. This makes me tear up. I am very blessed to be able to be here to save a life and I am very grateful for the opportunity :). And of course.. Dougal the Smartest Pup in the World needs a cousin!
YAY!
Go Tatum the Super Pup!
It was a rough start volunteering there. Not being around dogs all the time and the ones I am around have happy homes. So it was a little bit of a rough adjustment to get used to them being in the shelter life. With much guidance and reassurance, sister convinced me to continue going. This was a really good choice and I silently thank her every week :).
There was this little pup that I was going to take home this week that needed medical fostering. I figured after a few days of rest from surgery, it would be okay to bring her home. I find out Wednesday it would not work out that way. It is okay though, bless her little heart <3.
I think that was a blessing in disguise in many ways.
On our last walk of the day, we checked the sign out sheet for the pups to see who needed to go before it was too hot. I see that there is a Staffordshire Bull Terrier that is kenneled with another terrier. I figure okay, I did this doggleganger thing last week (http://www.doggelganger.co.nz/) that sister posted a link to and this was the dog that they paired me with, let's take this pup for a walk.
So I walk to the interior of the kennels and am looking for this stocky dog, maybe to the height of my knee...
Oh no. This is not the case. Tatum the Staffie Bull, is a 7 month old brindle, spotted pup of cuteness doom.
Really.
Heart. Melt. *tear*
We went for our little walky walk. She stayed by my side the whole time. If she went forward a little, she would look back to me for approval. She would turn and check if I was there. walk walk walk. turn. check. walk walk walk. turn. check. (Slowly she is killing me with her cuteness).
We get back to the shelter and go to a yard. We hang, she has some water, a cookie, a little lay down. All she wanted was some love and of course, to cool down. We hang out for about 20 minutes. I had decided during this time she was coming home with me. With such a sweet disposition and how mellow she is, it is a sure thing she and the cats would get along (of course, fingers crossed the whole time).
Back to the kennel we go. And off I go to talk to read her file to see what she is all about.
After reading her file, I don't think I will ever know why she was surrendered! )It may be the stinky puppy farts though.. She is kind of killing me right now.. but that means it is almost time to poop!)
But I like to think that she was surrendered so she can live in her happy forever home with Autum, Simon, myself and of course Nick, who will meet her in a few weeks. (That was kind of a surprise to him. Hee hee.. Good thing he loves me!!)
Paperwork filed, lots of goodies bought: New bed, a kong, a kong wubba, a ball (that she has no interest so far) bowls, puppy food, treats, a toothbrush and toothpaste, more treats, baby gate and doggie wipes.. She is in her home.
She is adjusting well with Autum as is Autum with her. Simon.. he is very unsure about the whole situation. He will come around though. Tatum is very inquizative about the cats but will stay right next to me so I can reassure her it is alright and that it will be okay.
Autum came out while she was on the couch and she (Tatum) went to the end of the couch and was kind of doing this growling/purring thing to let me know that Autum was there.
I got up to go say hi to Autum and Tatum immediately got into her bed and watched. (She is SUCH a good girl and SO smart) Autum was okay with that and followed me into the bathroom and got on the counter. Once she was up, I invited Tatum in to say hello. She reached up so she could see Autum on the counter and let out a little wimper. Autum just looked at her while I pet her on the counter and was like.. "Okay.. She is staying and I guess I will be okay with it." Autum jumped off the counter and went into the other room. Tatum didn't chase her at all! I was so impressed.
Now if Simon the agoraphobic cat will come out and be a nice boy, I think we will all get along.
Tatum is on the couch between my leg and the back cushion right now sleeping her little heart out and Autum is laying on the floor by the screen door.
Same room = Good Start :P
I figured it was a good idea to get a little bit of knowledge on my new kid. So I looked up some information and some photos. Looks like she is Staffie Bull and Jack Russell. She isn't going to get much bigger than 20 to 25 lbs and she is already 20 lbs. Good size for us all... because of course.. We all need to fit in the bed together for snuggle times!
I made a really good choice today. Not only did I introduce someone new to the family, I made room for another life to be saved. This makes me tear up. I am very blessed to be able to be here to save a life and I am very grateful for the opportunity :). And of course.. Dougal the Smartest Pup in the World needs a cousin!
YAY!
Go Tatum the Super Pup!
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
The Joy that is my Vagina
Ladies have them...
I have an opinion on them though..
I hate mine.
Went for my follow up appointment today..
Let me start at the beginning so we are on the same page...
Last November I had the joy and discomfort of having my right ovary removed.
I went to the emergency room at the end of October because I had really bad pain in my lower right side.
After I got probed in the butt to make sure it wasn't appendicitis, I was probed in the hooha and they found 2 cysts about 7CM large attached to my right ovary like a dumb bell.
So November 12th 2010 I had my right ovary removed.. We are not even going to talk about what I had to go through to get myself a room at the uber sketchy hospital and the time it took to get me into the OR.. (I was 12 hours late for surgery because there were SO many other surgeries before me).
So..,
8 and 1/2 almost 9 full months later..
I am back in the same spot.
I started presenting with the same symptoms on the same side which is really odd...
BUT.. sometimes the way the brain and the body works, it is common to feel pain from the right on the left or the left on the right..
So...
Back to my follow up today..
More poking in the hooha.. yes.. please jab that wand in my left ovary because I love to move up the table in pain.. really I do.
After seeing that my vagina is apparently like a freakin camel and retains water as such (WTF), my left ovary has grown a little more since last week (HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?) and the little cysty fucks are there too...more of them.. little fuckers..
My doctor brings in the other doctor to take a look..
The other doctor thinks that we are looking at a fallopain tube.. (really, I don't think my fallopian tube should look like a red vine.. but what do I know about my body and faulty reproductive organs...)
He thinks that I should be put on birth control for the next 3 months and see what happens.. when I say no.. it is far too much estrogen for me to handle and I am enough of a bitch WITHOUT any assistance.. He recommends progesterone for 3 months...
After my doctor and the other doctor argue like a married couple for a few minutes, the 2nd doctor leaves..
Luckily.. my doctor is pretty laid back.. I guess you have to be when you are stuck looking a vaginas all day.
I ask if they alway argue like a married couple.. (the nurse appreciated that one)
He said no, but he fully disagreed with what his partner had said.
So.. we discussed options.. (really, I just don't want to be in pain anymore.. as much as I love opiates.. they are fun.. I would like to poop without the assistance of a stool softener. My poor neighbors must really be shocked to hear the sounds that come out of my apartment.. It sounds like there is a freakin tug boat in here trying to sound the horn under water.. It is so gross. Thank GOD my boyfriend is not here for this.. the poor cats though... Sorry kitties and neighbors).
Oh yeah..
Sorry..
Back to what I was talking about.
I could be put on progesterone or we could go in and remove the little fuckers.
So Tuesday almost 9 months to the day that I had my first surgery, I go back in to have the new little cysty fuckers removed. And a little exploratory surgery to see what else may be causing the pain.
Hopefully, we can just get the cysts removed without having to remove the ovary. Worst case scenario.., it goes too.. But.. I have the joy of having laproscopic surgery through my stomach again and that will be.. lets count it.. 12.. yes 12! scars on my stomach.
After the surgery, I go an a regimen of progesterone for about 3 months to see if this will stop the cysts from coming back.
If this doesn't work.. then.. well.. I guess we see what happens. The joy of medicine.. it is a practice.. trial and error..
So fingers crossed.. prayers being said sleep being done and the ass dent in my couch becoming a little deeper.
I have an opinion on them though..
I hate mine.
Went for my follow up appointment today..
Let me start at the beginning so we are on the same page...
Last November I had the joy and discomfort of having my right ovary removed.
I went to the emergency room at the end of October because I had really bad pain in my lower right side.
After I got probed in the butt to make sure it wasn't appendicitis, I was probed in the hooha and they found 2 cysts about 7CM large attached to my right ovary like a dumb bell.
So November 12th 2010 I had my right ovary removed.. We are not even going to talk about what I had to go through to get myself a room at the uber sketchy hospital and the time it took to get me into the OR.. (I was 12 hours late for surgery because there were SO many other surgeries before me).
So..,
8 and 1/2 almost 9 full months later..
I am back in the same spot.
I started presenting with the same symptoms on the same side which is really odd...
BUT.. sometimes the way the brain and the body works, it is common to feel pain from the right on the left or the left on the right..
So...
Back to my follow up today..
More poking in the hooha.. yes.. please jab that wand in my left ovary because I love to move up the table in pain.. really I do.
After seeing that my vagina is apparently like a freakin camel and retains water as such (WTF), my left ovary has grown a little more since last week (HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?) and the little cysty fucks are there too...more of them.. little fuckers..
My doctor brings in the other doctor to take a look..
The other doctor thinks that we are looking at a fallopain tube.. (really, I don't think my fallopian tube should look like a red vine.. but what do I know about my body and faulty reproductive organs...)
He thinks that I should be put on birth control for the next 3 months and see what happens.. when I say no.. it is far too much estrogen for me to handle and I am enough of a bitch WITHOUT any assistance.. He recommends progesterone for 3 months...
After my doctor and the other doctor argue like a married couple for a few minutes, the 2nd doctor leaves..
Luckily.. my doctor is pretty laid back.. I guess you have to be when you are stuck looking a vaginas all day.
I ask if they alway argue like a married couple.. (the nurse appreciated that one)
He said no, but he fully disagreed with what his partner had said.
So.. we discussed options.. (really, I just don't want to be in pain anymore.. as much as I love opiates.. they are fun.. I would like to poop without the assistance of a stool softener. My poor neighbors must really be shocked to hear the sounds that come out of my apartment.. It sounds like there is a freakin tug boat in here trying to sound the horn under water.. It is so gross. Thank GOD my boyfriend is not here for this.. the poor cats though... Sorry kitties and neighbors).
Oh yeah..
Sorry..
Back to what I was talking about.
I could be put on progesterone or we could go in and remove the little fuckers.
So Tuesday almost 9 months to the day that I had my first surgery, I go back in to have the new little cysty fuckers removed. And a little exploratory surgery to see what else may be causing the pain.
Hopefully, we can just get the cysts removed without having to remove the ovary. Worst case scenario.., it goes too.. But.. I have the joy of having laproscopic surgery through my stomach again and that will be.. lets count it.. 12.. yes 12! scars on my stomach.
After the surgery, I go an a regimen of progesterone for about 3 months to see if this will stop the cysts from coming back.
If this doesn't work.. then.. well.. I guess we see what happens. The joy of medicine.. it is a practice.. trial and error..
So fingers crossed.. prayers being said sleep being done and the ass dent in my couch becoming a little deeper.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Frustration
I am terribly frustrated with my body.
8 and a 1/2 months ago I had my right ovary removed.
I went to the doctor yesterday because I am having the same symptons in the same area.
Stange because there is nothing there...
Looking at the ultra sound, it looks like I have PCOS in my left ovary and it is enlarged now..
It has grown in the past 8 and a 1/2 months...
I also have some sort of fluid chillin in there.. I don't know what that is but eww...
So the doctor and I agree that the best course right now is antibiotics and pain meds...
Today..
I start having the pain in my actual stomach that causes me great difficulty to eat. It is like sharp stabby shooty pains in my stomach.
And it makes me want to barf.
So I am back to where I was in November.
Waiting to see what we are going to do...
If the other one is removed.. there goes my chances for mini me and Nicks. :(
But what am I going to do.. I don't really have much choice do I?
*sigh*
This sucks.
8 and a 1/2 months ago I had my right ovary removed.
I went to the doctor yesterday because I am having the same symptons in the same area.
Stange because there is nothing there...
Looking at the ultra sound, it looks like I have PCOS in my left ovary and it is enlarged now..
It has grown in the past 8 and a 1/2 months...
I also have some sort of fluid chillin in there.. I don't know what that is but eww...
So the doctor and I agree that the best course right now is antibiotics and pain meds...
Today..
I start having the pain in my actual stomach that causes me great difficulty to eat. It is like sharp stabby shooty pains in my stomach.
And it makes me want to barf.
So I am back to where I was in November.
Waiting to see what we are going to do...
If the other one is removed.. there goes my chances for mini me and Nicks. :(
But what am I going to do.. I don't really have much choice do I?
*sigh*
This sucks.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
San Francisco
I love this city..
I really do.
Naked people walking down the street...
Street vendors and performers..
The ocean..
Sea Lions..
Really...
What is not to love?
And..
The love of my life is there.
That is the icing on the cake.
I am counting down the days until I can leave the desert and live in the city that feels like home to me...
Well.. outside the city but still.. 20 miles from San Francisco but still in the bay area.. I will take it!
I sit here, in my kitchen, thinking about the day when I will pack up everything I own and move out of Arizona.
115 degrees, desert, nothingness and I really do not get along at all.
We are not friends.
There are no trees for me to hug here, no grass for me to walk bearfoot it.
I can not keep a plant alive because it is so dry and hot.
I don't like it.
Not one bit.
Send me home to San Francisco where the Pirate Ship Barbara Ann resides, where it rains and I can hug a tree.
I really do.
Naked people walking down the street...
Street vendors and performers..
The ocean..
Sea Lions..
Really...
What is not to love?
And..
The love of my life is there.
That is the icing on the cake.
I am counting down the days until I can leave the desert and live in the city that feels like home to me...
Well.. outside the city but still.. 20 miles from San Francisco but still in the bay area.. I will take it!
I sit here, in my kitchen, thinking about the day when I will pack up everything I own and move out of Arizona.
115 degrees, desert, nothingness and I really do not get along at all.
We are not friends.
There are no trees for me to hug here, no grass for me to walk bearfoot it.
I can not keep a plant alive because it is so dry and hot.
I don't like it.
Not one bit.
Send me home to San Francisco where the Pirate Ship Barbara Ann resides, where it rains and I can hug a tree.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Things that Go Bump in the Night..
So this is a little creepy..
(and explains why Autum (she is my 8 year old cat) was acting a little odd this morning...)
I am laying in bed getting ready to motivate myself to shower.. because really, when you work at home.. no one is going to notice if you have a cloud of stink around you like Pig Pen from Peanuts.
Back to the story..
I was laying in bed trying to get her attention by running my fingers accross the side of the bed so she would come snuggle with me.
She would look at my hand and look insistently to the kitchen.
This went on for about ten minutes. I blew it off and just figured that Simon (3 year old cat) was taunting her all night and she was just watching her back.
So I get up and make some coffee, get in the shower and get ready to start my day.
About half hour into my work day I go out to the porch to smoke..
much like I usually do. Nothing different so I think.
I walk out on to the porch and I see that the door to the water heater closet is open..
Now this has a door knob on it that actually is secure. It is pretty tight to so you really kind of have to turn it to get it open, so it isn't like the wind could open it.
I have not opened that door in about 3 months.. I have no need to. It just has a bunch of crap in there that I really don't need.
Why would this door be open?
I don't have a problem with the water heater.... So there was no maintenance call..
My front door was locked..
Why would somebody jump the wall to my porch to look in the closet?
I think maybe I should really start listening to my cats when they start acting a little odder than normal.
Needless to say.. I am a little creeped out..
I think I will actually be sleeping with my baseball bat tonight in my bed rather than next to the bed..
(and explains why Autum (she is my 8 year old cat) was acting a little odd this morning...)
I am laying in bed getting ready to motivate myself to shower.. because really, when you work at home.. no one is going to notice if you have a cloud of stink around you like Pig Pen from Peanuts.
Back to the story..
I was laying in bed trying to get her attention by running my fingers accross the side of the bed so she would come snuggle with me.
She would look at my hand and look insistently to the kitchen.
This went on for about ten minutes. I blew it off and just figured that Simon (3 year old cat) was taunting her all night and she was just watching her back.
So I get up and make some coffee, get in the shower and get ready to start my day.
About half hour into my work day I go out to the porch to smoke..
much like I usually do. Nothing different so I think.
I walk out on to the porch and I see that the door to the water heater closet is open..
Now this has a door knob on it that actually is secure. It is pretty tight to so you really kind of have to turn it to get it open, so it isn't like the wind could open it.
I have not opened that door in about 3 months.. I have no need to. It just has a bunch of crap in there that I really don't need.
Why would this door be open?
I don't have a problem with the water heater.... So there was no maintenance call..
My front door was locked..
Why would somebody jump the wall to my porch to look in the closet?
I think maybe I should really start listening to my cats when they start acting a little odder than normal.
Needless to say.. I am a little creeped out..
I think I will actually be sleeping with my baseball bat tonight in my bed rather than next to the bed..
Monday, June 13, 2011
What I heard the other day...
So..
I was watching TV the other day.. As I do..
Because really..
It is so GD hot in AZ that during the day.. Unless you want to deal with some serious swamp ass, you stay inside until the sun goes down..
And even then.. that is debatable..
Anyway,
I was shocked by what I was hearing on TV.
Have we become so desensitized that we do not become offended anymore by what the writers are putting into these shows?
Due to this,
I did some serious thinking over the weekend. What happen to shows like Alice, The Dick Van Dyke Show, The Dean Martin Show.. Even The Muppet Show.
To me, I might only be 32, but those were good shows. Funny, you could relate to their situations, you could learn something from them.
They had a lesson. They didn't need to swear or drop the N word. They were just funny and relatable.
Don't get me wrong, I did have a Bridezillas marathon yesterday.. But I think that was to ensure that if and when I ever get married, I don't treat my friends and family like those women did.
And I have seen my fair share of reality shows, crime drama's and what not..
But in thinking about it..
I stopped watching those because they are depressing.. and really.. If I wanted to be depressed.. I could watch the news.
I think that it is time for a change in the world.. And this starts with one person.
I think we need to start learning again. And being kinder to one another.. It only really takes one smile to change someones day. Which by the way.. can COMPLETELY freak someone out. Which is kind of fun to take them out of their self absorbtion and back to reality for a second.
With all that I have been thinking about the past 2 days.. I have decided to take classes through my local city and learn something.
Socialize with more people on a like minded level and move away from the TV.
Time to get back to what reality really is and not what they show (scripted) on TV.
I was watching TV the other day.. As I do..
Because really..
It is so GD hot in AZ that during the day.. Unless you want to deal with some serious swamp ass, you stay inside until the sun goes down..
And even then.. that is debatable..
Anyway,
I was shocked by what I was hearing on TV.
Have we become so desensitized that we do not become offended anymore by what the writers are putting into these shows?
Due to this,
I did some serious thinking over the weekend. What happen to shows like Alice, The Dick Van Dyke Show, The Dean Martin Show.. Even The Muppet Show.
To me, I might only be 32, but those were good shows. Funny, you could relate to their situations, you could learn something from them.
They had a lesson. They didn't need to swear or drop the N word. They were just funny and relatable.
Don't get me wrong, I did have a Bridezillas marathon yesterday.. But I think that was to ensure that if and when I ever get married, I don't treat my friends and family like those women did.
And I have seen my fair share of reality shows, crime drama's and what not..
But in thinking about it..
I stopped watching those because they are depressing.. and really.. If I wanted to be depressed.. I could watch the news.
I think that it is time for a change in the world.. And this starts with one person.
I think we need to start learning again. And being kinder to one another.. It only really takes one smile to change someones day. Which by the way.. can COMPLETELY freak someone out. Which is kind of fun to take them out of their self absorbtion and back to reality for a second.
With all that I have been thinking about the past 2 days.. I have decided to take classes through my local city and learn something.
Socialize with more people on a like minded level and move away from the TV.
Time to get back to what reality really is and not what they show (scripted) on TV.
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