Insides

So, on our morning walk this morning I realized many things.

One is that, I do not feel like a very good person on the inside. I used to at some point I think. Or maybe I was and never really believed that I was but other people could see it. I don't know. Either way it left me feeling a little weakened in my spirits this morning. But it also gave me more conviction to try to be a better person.

I feel like I am starting to shed 30 years of negativity. Granted not all has been negative. I have a wonderful husband that I love more than anything in the world. He gave me a beautiful son that I would die for and I have a wonderfully loving and forgiving dog.

But there was definitely a lot more negative in my life than I thought. It is amazing to see all the little bricks from the walls that I built crumbling away. I can finally speak up and say when I am not happy about something and be okay with it. I do not have to be the people pleaser I was. If you are not happy with something I say then I guess that is not really my issue. If you are not happy with how I look, that is not my issue. Of course, I know that all of these things are a reflection of how I am to others as well and that is going to change. I need to relax. There is no need for me to be in control of anything. That is what the universe is for.

The only thing I care about is the happiness of my family. Sadly, the process and changes that are happening to me right now have caused hurt to others. For that I apologize. It is not fair to them. I even apologize to my dog.

I have been so focused on trying to change myself on the outside (Minus the dreads. I have wanted those forever because they are just so darn pretty and I want to wear sea glass in my hair.). Everything that I have been reading for years about changing the inside is coming true now. I always thought that I was a good person inside. I held doors for people, I smiled at them once in a while. I volunteered (which I do plan on doing again when the time is right. I went back too early.) with dogs at a rescue. I want to do those things again. But I want to really feel it. Do I tear up every time I see dogs on the E-List or that have been hurt by a human? Yes. Do I try to be a good person and give others a genuine smile? Yes. Do I really care about all of my friends and family? Yes. I love them all individually for all of those little things that make them tic. Do I wish that I could get out of my own way and do what makes me happy? Yes. Do I need to find my confidence again? Yes. Do I need to stop being so afraid of people? Yes. People scare me. I feel that I am always being judged (even though I am not. I hope). Feeling like that has made me bitter. Cynical. Unable to really trust. When I am with people in a large group I become very quiet. I am so afraid that I am going to say something stupid that I just don't say anything. It is very difficult for me. I chose not to go to concerts because of large crowds. The only group activity that I am not afraid of is going on cruiser rides. Everyone is having fun and riding. They are focused on not crashing into anything or anyone. No one is looking at me. I feel safe in that situation. The grocery store is the worst. Especially the area that we live in. There are a lot of snow birds in this area. Every time I go to Sprouts with Jack I get the most condescending looks from these ladies. It is pretty bad but we go anyway and we dance. If you are going to judge me I might as well look like a dork.

Does posting this in a few minutes scare the absolute shit out of me? Yes. YES it does. Am I going to post it anyway? Yes. I post everything above with a deep breath. I am slowly going to pour my heart out into this blog so you all can read what I can not say. Maybe someone is feeling the same way and it will bring them comfort. Maybe it will piss a few people off. Or maybe, just maybe my friends and family can see what I struggle with on a daily basis and see who I really am. If you do want to comment, please do so gently. I am a fragile creature right now and this is the only thing I ask. I will respond with even headedness, respect and an open heart if needed. Now it is time to get on my mat. It is time to open my heart again. It is time for me to balance.

Hope you all have a nice rest of your Tuesday. I hope you all go to bed with a smile on your face. It means the day wasn't so bad.

Sundays

Sundays are my favorite days of the week. This is family day. The day when my husband is home and our son and I get to spend time with him.

Sunday is also the day I have the happiest dog in the world. She has all of her humans with her and she just basks in the love.

Sundays are the best.

Gratitude

I was told last night that I was ungrateful because I do not support men and women going into other countries for war. I was ungrateful because someone thinks I asked them to defend my freedom. I did not ask anyone of this.

So this has made me think. Am I grateful for things?

Yes. I am grateful for my husband who works so very hard to support Jack and I. Especially while I get my shit together. Grateful to get everyone else's idea of who and what I should be out of me. I am so grateful to have someone that loves me enough to know I am going through a challenge and struggle to figure things out and choses to be with me still. I am grateful every moment for my son that I was so concerned and scared about being born. I am grateful everyday for my sister who allowed me to live with her to get me out of a bad home situation. I am grateful everyday for my father and mother in law in NY that were able to help us financially while we were pregnant. I am grateful for my in laws in AZ and niece and nephew for being in my life.

I am grateful for the people that own the house we live in for allowing us to stay for a year while we had our son and figure things out.

I am grateful everyday that I wake up and my pain is a little less. My anxiety is a little less. My clothes fit a little better. I am grateful that I have a cute Staffie to walk. I am grateful to have food to nourish my body to I can become strong again for my family.

I am grateful to be breathing.

So when someone says I am ungrateful because they made a choice to fight in a war I do not believe in. Someone that fights for corporate America. Someone that is now suffering from the choice that they made. Please do not tell me that I am ungrateful.

Our choices are our own. We all make them for different reasons but to tell someone that they are ungrateful and are useless to the country they lie in it is too far. We all have our own path to walk, I chose not to walk mine with bitterness anymore.

The best quote I have ever remember is this: Great Spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. Albert Einstein

Becoming Healthy

I write this from the rocking chair while Jack plays on the floor before his nap. Maybe we will just go for a walk before his nap or something.

Anyway, I don't want to be unhealthy anymore. It's been a really rough 3 years with 2 surgeries and a baby. I was telling myself that I could not physically do it. I didn't have the energy to work out, go for a walk, anything. And to a certain extent I didn't. But I think most of that was in my head. So I am on another journey to clean out the negative and work on bringing the positive to my life.

With that, I need to eat healthier. This morning Jack and I both had oatmeal and bananas for breakfast. (which by the way, it is really fun saying bananas to your dog in a high pitched voice). I am realizing that my husband and I need to set a good example of healthful eating for Jack. And I want him to know that exercise and movement are good for him. Yes, it's so easy to lay on the couch and watch tv. We aren't canceling that out. I love The Big Bang Theory WAY too much. But we need to make time in our lives to exercise.

For the past 6 weeks we have gone for a walk everyday, minus a day or two off here and there for rest. That doesn't seem like a big deal right? Well it is. Since I started working at home 2 years ago it is very easy to stay in the house. And with AZ in the summer, it's a given. But this year is the year for change. It's not just my husband and I anymore.

The nice part about AZ, the heat. I know, I know. I used to complain too. But right now I am not. I am learning to embrace the heat. So far this week I have done yoga outside in the sun and heat. It feels amazing and I feel amazing after.

So right now with waking two miles and yoga while Jack is napping, it is a start. We will add more exercise as the weight drops. We will eat a little more healthful everyday and we will be more conscience everyday of what goes on our bodies . At least I will.

Have a good day!

Well,

It has been a very very long time since I wrote on here. A lot has happened (of course my four lovely followers know most of it!)

I am finding lately that I can not deal with stress at all. I thought I handled it really well before but I am finding that I only have patience for my loving and patient husband and my beautiful little boy.

I wish I had it for work, peoples stupidity, peoples really bad driving and all other things that I know shouldn't bother me. 

But really, a little common sense goes a long way and I am just not finding people that seem to have it.

For example, twice at the market up the street employees have tried to grab Jack's stroller while he is in it. I know that you are trying to be helpful but have you never seen a mama with her baby?? I don't know you, you don't touch him. One girl I can forgive because I think there was a little short circuit. Understandable so I did have patience with her. Not the cashier though that just ignored the entire thing. We shop there only if it is an emergency now. 

I bought this journal a few months ago with thoughts that I would finally right down what is going on in my head. You know, get it out. Sadly I have used one page in it. I borrowed A Tree Grows In Brooklyn a couple weeks ago. I returned it after a week because I had read one page 4 times and realized that I am too tired to read a book other than to Jack. Nothing wrong with that because really, I am reading him The Hobbit right now. They say read your kid fairy tales if you want them to be smart. I think that is one of the best ones. I tried the Grimm Fairy Tales and they are so dark. If I want Jack to read dark books he can read Edward Gorey. 

Then I am almost being alienated because I decided it was time for my dreads to start developing. Instead of some of my family asking me why I have decided to start the process of my dreads, I am being treated like a stranger and they are being a little weird. Oh well, I still love them and it is not my issue to deal with. I am the same person I was before I had them, it is just time to have them now as I am on a new journey called motherhood. I want all the negative out of my life and I want to have beautiful happy dreads. But there will be a little negativity in them during this process of clearing out negative energies. 

This whole mommy process is new for me and I have absolutely no examples of how to me a mom. Having had a stepmother that never wanted kids, she had no clue as to what she was doing and really wanted me out of the way all the time. With that I was alone all the time. Then being forced to babysit...How can I possibly be a good babysitter when I don't know what I am doing and when I ask what to do I am told to just tell them (being the parents) what is going on and they will handle it. So where were my coping mechanisms there? Then I babysit again when I am in my late teens and early 20's because 1) I needed to make money to pay rent and 2) Because a friend of someone needed a babysitter. 

I did not want to babysit. It is so hard to watch someones children when you have to discipline them the way the parents want but you know in your heart you would NEVER raise a child like that. But then again, I have a really hard time saying no because I am so afraid to hurt peoples feelings. I am quickly getting over that.

So, with all of that I have vowed to be the best mommy I can. Which I am sure every mommy vows. It is hard though when you really have no example of what a mommy is. I remember nothing of my mom. All I can do is hope and base every decision on "What would my mom have done?". You can't raise a child like that though. I am getting the hang of it though. He is happy. Has not had diaper rash and the boy eats like a little piggy. He is growing and happy so that is all I can hope for right? He is so loved and his favorite thing is kisses. He LOVES kisses!

So for Jack, this is what I vow:

I vow to teach you, my son to love people (though sometimes I have a really hard time with that), teach you that no matter what race you are, what background you have or who you chose to love, they are humans on a journey just like us and need love just like we do. I will teach you,  my son that being creative and smart are amazing things and to never be ashamed of it. I will teach you,  my son that kindness goes a long way (even if you are crabby). I will teach you, my son to be fair, to stand up for yourself and your beliefs, to stand up for what is right. I will teach you,  my son to love animals. That having an animal in your life makes it so much better and that no matter the situation, you do not give up on a four legged family member.  I will teach you, my son the things that I was never taught. I will not watch you struggle to know the difference between right and wrong. I will always be here for you. To hug you, to listen you, to love and to snuggle you. 

I hope one day that this blog will still be around and I can read this to him. And I hope, that when he is a teenager and we disagree on something, I have taught him enough to know that it is just a disagreement and that I will always love him. 

I will give my son what I crave the most. A mom.



 

December 22nd 2011

I haven't written in a while. It isn't that I haven't had time, well, I just haven't written.

All my joy and happiness has been posted all over facebook.

But tonight, I drive my fiance to the airport because he is spending Christmas in Long Island.

I am getting kind of sad. This has been planned for months and months. I have known about it.

It is going to be weird being without him for 10 days. It doesn't seem like a long time but when you spend every night with your best friend, it will be odd to not see them. Tatum will be sad as well. She loves him so. The cats will be happy because Mommy will be home for 10 days and nights.

On a happy note, once he comes back, we will be moving in together.
I will be packing while he is gone, transfering the cable and getting the keys to move in. Once my stuff is out of Tempe, I am done. I actually am looking forward to that. To never have to drive there again - Except to my eye doctor and doctors. I could find new ones but it took me 6 years to find the ones I have so I don't want to switch.

On another note.. I am watching moonshiners rather than working. Chuck is on his way to the jewlers to confirm the stone. I am hoping it comes home with him today.. They just have to set it so it shouldn't take long to be ready, I can't wait for my ring.. I know he wants to be romantic with it but.. maybe he still can be tonight at the airport...

Time Passes

Oh my...

It has been ten years since I was in NYC. 10 years ago today at this exact time, I was waiting with thousands of people in the streets of NYC to get on a ferry to take us across the river to NJ to get to our homes, families, somewhere safe.

I was on 14th Street and 7th Avenue (Avenue of the Americas) in our morning sales/ pep talk meeting at Urban Outfitters when one of the merchandisers came out to say that Howard Stern announced that a plane had flown into one of the towers. After the manager performed the security check to make sure we did not steal anything (really.. not high on the list of things for us to think about at that time) we all went out the front door to see about 14 or 15 blocks away that a plane had flown into the tower.

Of course my natural reaction to fear is to laugh, apparently this was deemed inappropriate by some of my coworkers. Oops. None of us really thought it was as severe as it was. So we all go back to our meeting. Then the merchandiser comes out again to tell us there is another plane circling. Okay. That was a little odd. So, like watching a car accident or train wreck about to happen, we all go outside again. Then reality hit. As we are all standing on the side walk, we all watch in astonishment the second plane go into the tower. Weird. As our manager tries to get us all into the building, a woman and man that are running to safety stop me to see if they can purchase a pair of shoes. Do you know how hard it is to say no to someone in need? To not be able to provide a small ounce of comfort. All it was, a pair of shoes and I had to say no.

I think that is about the time for 10 years I stopped saying no to people. Out of guilt. That was the point that I started a 10 year struggle with making myself happy and trying so hard to please others.

At that point, I looked at my coworkers and wished them well and a happy life. I had decided two days prior that I needed to go back home to NH and that I could not make it in the city that I had so many hopes and dreams about.

I walked I don't know how many blocks to the diner that I worked at for the first 5 months that I lived in the city to check on the 92 year old woman that was my old customer. She was one of my favorite people. We would sit in the mornings when she came in for her 2 or 4 pieces of toast (it always depended on how she was feeling that morning) with the crusts cut off and light butter. Tea with 1 sugar and just a spot of milk. Just enough to make it a dark caramel brown. After contacting family and friends in NH to let them know that I was okay, she was my only concern. She had lived in the city her entire life. She would share the stories of the 20's up to present day of the city and how much it had changed. What had been here and there. She was a great source of strength and knowledge. I looked at her as my grandmother and my friend. She was so scared. No one was talking to her. She just needed some tea. I was so happy to just sit with her and hold her while she cried and we could share the shocking fear that we both had.

I had always felt so bad that the people that worked there had been so frustrated with her. She was really one of the easiest people to please, they just needed a little pateince. And when she was having a rough morning, all she wanted was someone to acknowledge her. She was my friend. I am sure that now she has passed on and is with her husband again (whom she loved very much). She was the one person I miss most of all out of all the people I met when I lived there.

After having some coffee, a gentleman came in to let us all know that the ferry's were up again and were transporting people across the river. I hugged Mary good bye and told her I loved her but I had to go. She understood and wished me well and told me she loved me back.

This man that I had never met made the 2 hour journey to the ferry. Normally walking to the pier would not take that long but mix in emergency service vehicles, fire fighters, EMT's and police on stand by with the amount of people needing to get across the river.. it was a lot of people. One of the one and only times everyone in NYC was trying to get to one place. Our group in Lower Manhattan trying to get the pier and another group going across the Brooklyn Bridge.

After waiting in line for about 2 hours, the man I was with (at this point we were joined by a woman that also lived in Jersey City) and the woman boarded the ferry for the journey across the river. There was nothing but silence, that I can remember, on that boat. We all just watched in awe what was happening or rather what had happened as the towers were both down at this point. All you could smell was jet fuel, dust of the buildings and paper and a faint smell of burnt flesh. Yes, you could smell that. If the breeze caught it the right way, you could tell that there was something not right in the smell. We finally reached the pier on the other side of the river. Walked the very very steep stair case in Hoboken and made the long journey to Jersey City. In all, it was about 5 hours of walking. I remember getting back to the house sometime after 7:30pm. The cats my roommate and I adopted were hiding under my bed. There was a note on stationary that I received as a going away gift from my roommate and best friend from high school that stated he was leaving to his parents house.

To this day, I think he is a chicken (well, that is not really the word that I use for him but I digress) for leaving. Was it because I was upset that though 2 days before he was begging me to stay in the city and not go home? Was it because he just left me there, not knowing if I was okay? That if for some random chance I had taken the wrong train into the city like I had the first time I had gone into the city alone?
I don't know and I can not answer that. The friendship has dissolved at this point. It dissolved soon after I had left. As will happen with high school friends.

Tomorrow, September 12th, is the day that I left NYC. I remember my sister and father driving down to get me. Making sure the cats had food and water before I left. Placing all of my belongings that would fit into plastic bags into the back of the van. My father getting out of the van and asking what that smell was and having to explain that it was a combination of debris, fuel and flesh. Driving down the freeway in the back of the van watching the plume of smoke billowing out of Lower Manhattan.

Then I spent the next 5 years trying to avoid the feelings of what I had seen, what I could not do, of running away (as I imagine in my mind) instead of staying and helping, doing something. I spent the next 5 years in a cloud of alcohol and partying like my life depended on it. Not realizing that because I did not deal with my own emotions, I put unneeded and unfair stress on the people that I loved. To this day, this is my only regret and will always ask for forgiveness everytime I lay down my yoga mat. Until I forgive myself for following my natural instinct and realize I did what millions of others did, I will ask for forgiveness from the ones that I have hurt through out the last 10 years. I am sorry for all that I have put you through.

There are many men and women that have suffered worse. They have lost loved ones, friends and coworkers. The men and women that were at the site that have medical issues from responding, that lost their lives in the towers. My emotions are small compared to what the residents, employees and responders have had to deal and are still dealing with over the past 10 years.

It makes me think about what I haven't done in the past 10 years. I feel like I should have taken the last 10 years to do something great with my life. But then again, maybe I am supposed to be right here, right now. In this moment. Writing this. Living in Arizona with my animals. Meeting the man that I have been waiting all this time to meet. My best friend a few miles away from me. Starting this new journey in my life. Maybe it is time for me to put the past 10 years behind me. Move on. Let go of the guilt that I have felt and actually live my life the way it is meant to be lived. Maybe it is time to stop being afraid of things, what people think and just be free.

With all of this being written, purged from my mind, all I can think of is saying a little prayer and sending love to all of the lost souls that died 10 years ago today. Going to my local fire house, giving them cookies and saying thank you for all that these men and women do. Sending loving energy to the families that lost their loved ones and letting them know, that life goes on and everything will be okay eventually. As unfair as it was the way their lives were taken, things will be okay in the end.

Maybe I am being selfish in writing all of this. That I have emotional issues from what I witnessed so long ago when I was 22. So young and so naive. So full of hopes and dreams. I don't know. 

I will look back on this one day and probably question why I wrote this. Question why I thought I had the right to these emotions. But remembering that this is just one of the things that marked the history that is my life.

My thoughts, blessings and love go to all on this day and all days going forward. Everyday I will do my best to live with compassion, love with all of my heart and try my hardest not to judge people because we all have our own stories and trials to overcome.